Annoying Hojo
by semeru
Summary: AU Jania decides the the best way to infiltrate ShinRa is to get a job there. Unfortunately for Hojo, part of Jania's mission in life seems to be to create utter chaos, mainly aimed at him. Chapter 5 is now alive!
1. Welcome to ShinRa

It was early in the morning; just dark enough for Midgar to still have a green tinge from the mako reactors. Despite the time, the Shrina building was bristling with movement. A girl in a lavender suit made her way slowly into the building, looking around quickly in a way not unlike a tourist.

"May I help you, miss?"

The girl gave a start and looked at the man sitting behind the information desk in front of her.

"Oh, um yes. Which way is the employment office?"

"Third level, take a left and go right through the cedar doors," droned the man obviously bored.

"Ah, thanks…" _Wow, bored already at this early in the morning? The guy must love his job._

Three floors, and a left later found the girl facing twin cedar doors, employment office written above in shiny gold letters.

She smiled to herself.

_Ah, and so it begins…_

* * *

Time certainly flies when you're having fun, so naturally it seemed like a month since Jania had been busing tables for the employee lounge on the 56th floor. 

_Well, it's better than janitorial work._

She had her interviewer to thank for that. She had originally been aiming for a janitor spot since they could move around a lot without looking too suspicious, but he had said she was too pretty to be stuck scrubbing toilets. Not really wanting to become friends with the toilet duck in the first place, Jania had taken the busing job. Besides, lounges are a great place to pick up gossip.

_Speaking of which…_

Jania picked up a rag and began wiping a table near two off-duty guards.

"…and after I told him what I put in it he turned pale as a bleached shirt!" Ha ha ha ha…

"Dude! That's disgusting. Did he up-chuck?"

"Not at first…I gotta give him credit. He kept it down for almost five minutes, but his face was turning a shade of green which was making me feel a bit queasy just lookin at him…"

They both laughed.

Jania rolled her eyes. She glanced up just as a redheaded man in a blue suit walking in and plopped down, propping his leather shoes up on a table Jania had cleaned just five minutes ago. She frowned slightly, but quickly replaced the frown with a hearty smile as she walked over to him. She didn't expect to get any useful information out of him, but it couldn't hurt to be on good terms with a Turk.

_Besides, _she glanced back at the guards who were still laughing, _I don't think I'm missing anything valuable._

"And what can I get you, sir?"

"A beer and a turkey sandwich, no mayo. And call me Reno. Sir is what my boss is called."

Jania just looked at him, slightly taken aback by how friendly Reno was. She had always assumed that Turks were serious and always the down-to-business type, seeing as their job consisted of intimidation, kidnapping and probably murder.

She returned a moment later with his drink. He flashed her a grin and she slowly returned it.

"You're new around here, ain't ya?"

"It'll be a week tomorrow. Why do you ask?"

"Eh, no reason. I've just never seen ya around before." He took a sip from his beaker. "Say, how old are ya?"

"That depends on whose asking and why." Jania responded. Playfully, batting her eyelashes.

He blinked at her response and then laughed.

"You make it sound as though I'm interrogating you."

"For as much as I know you are, Mr. Turk. Either that or you're hitting on me." Jania smiled, "Either way, I don't intend on delving out personal info to someone I just met,"

He just laughed harder, "a wise strategy, Miss…?"

"The name's Jania."

"Mhnn, isn't a name considered 'personal information?'" He took a swig, the beaker hiding his grin for a split second.

"Ah, but you have no way of knowing if that's really my name or not."

"I could always use my Turk powers to find out."

"Hmn, and I could make you go and get your own sandwich, which I'm sure is ready by now. If you'll excuse me." She went to the kitchen and returned with one turkey, no mayo sandwich. "Why so interested anyway, if I dare ask?"

"I just thought you seemed a little young to be serving beer, that's all." Reno smiled mischievously and took a big bite out of his sandwich. "Disappointed?"

"No, not in the least bit. And since that's your reason, I'll be twenty next month."

There was a moment of silence as Reno continued to munch on his food.

"So, twenty, eh? Good age, yo. Not as good as twenty-one, though." He pointedly polished off the rest of his drink.

"Say, are you allowed to drink while on-duty?"

"Say, are you allowed to stand there ignoring all your other customers? Besides, I've got the rest of the day off."

Jania looked around and snorted. "What other customers?" She gestured to the only other two in the lounge, who were still laughing over who knows what. "They paid their bill ten minutes ago."

Reno finished his sandwich. "Well, I've got to go run some errands. You take care of yourself, kiddo."

"Considering the source, I'll be sure to do that," She winked.

Chuckling, Reno left.

Jania busied herself with cleaning up the crumbs Reno had left behind. Her eyes wandered about in her boredom. The guards still hadn't left and didn't seem like they were anytime soon since they had moved from their previous topic to crud jokes.

_Great, just great…_

* * *

Sighing, Jania pulled her apron over her head. Besides her brush with Reno, not much had been accomplished today. All she had learned was that some males never seemed to grow up, white socks were bad to wear when traveling through Cosmos Canyon, and one of the soldier's pet bunny had died when he feed it one too many cheese sticks.

"But they were his favorite," followed by a bout sobbing had been heard for at least fifteen minutes before his friends could calm him down enough to convince the crying soldier that drinking wouldn't bring his bunny back.

"See you tomorrow," she called over her shoulder to the bartender, who was mixing a martini. He simply nodded in acknowledgement.

Jania had gotten the noon shift today. Though the evening shift would have been preferable since that's when the lounge was busiest, she was glad to be off early. She didn't want to deal with any drunks tonight.

Lost in thought, she turned a corner and ran smack into a hunched-over figure, papers flying everywhere.

"Look what you've done! You imbecile!"

"I'm so sorry!" Jania immediately dropped to the floor, picking up the scattered papers. Looking up, Jania saw that she had run into non-other than Shinra's head scientist, Hojo, who was glaring down at her over his round glasses.

"I'm really sorry, sir. I wasn't looking where I was going. Here you are." She handed him his papers in a disheveled pile.

He looked at her and sniffed, grabbing for the papers. However, Jania discreetly held onto a corner, causing a few papers to flutter back to the floor.

"Clumsy fool." Hojo snapped.

Both she and Hojo bent down to get the last few papers. "Move! I'll get them myself."

She slid to his side as he quickly scooped up the remaining papers. He straightened his pile into a more hold-able stack as he stalked off, muttering about the stupidity of the common people.

As Hojo disappeared from sight, Jania put a finger up to her lips, grinning deviously.

_Target found…_


	2. Operation Annoy Hojo Begins!

FREEDOM! Ehhhmn Sorry for the delay, I just got over finals. I do hope you all are enjoying this so far. I'm certainly having fun writing it!

In case you have been speculating on what Jania is up to, yes she is in the ShinRa building for a purpose (other than annoying Hojo). And no, she is not a part of AVALANCHE. Then what is she doing? You'll just have to wait and see…

* * *

The next day found Hojo in a foul mood. He had returned to work, only to find that his keys were missing. Keys, which he needed to get to the restricted upper levels of the ShinRa building, where his lab was. He had had to let one of those blasted Turks let him into his lab, **his** lab! Most of the scientists were smart enough to stay out of his way as he viciously tried to make up for the half hour he had lost solely in trying to get to work. Snapping out orders, accompanied by sneers made him feel slightly better, but only slightly. Hojo was honestly perplexed, something that had rarely happened to him throughout his scientific career. He was never one to go anywhere without his keys.

"Well, maybe you just misplaced them. Have you checked your office?" said either a very stupid or very, very new intern, who instantly regretted opening his mouth when he saw the look on Hojo's face.

"I don't misplace anything," hissed Hojo. Just to prove his point he almost physically dragged the intern into his office. He flipped on the lights and was shocked to see his keys laying on his desk.

"See, what did I…tell…..you."

If looks could kill, then that intern would have never made it past "see".

"You know, I do believe tube #5 is in need of a cleaning today. Some of the chemicals seem to be reacting with what was left of the experiment in there. You might want to wear some gloves; the chemicals seem to be crystallizing on the side of the glass. Oh, and don't worry about borrowing any tools from the janitors, you can clean the tube with this," Hojo handed the intern a toothbrush.

The intern had turned about three shades paler. He silently took the toothbrush and hurried out of the office, which was the smartest thing he'd done that day.

Hojo deposited his keys in his pocket without a word and went back to the lab, a satisfied smirk plastering his face.

----------------------------------------

It had been about a week and a half since Jania's first encounter with her target, I mean, Hojo. After all, if she was going do this she couldn't move too quickly. Doing so would only jeopardized the mission. Besides, she had had to do some data diving and gather the supplies she would need before installment number one of operation: Annoy Hojo could commence.

"You heading off already, Jania?" asked the bartender.

"What do you mean already, James? Look at your watch man! It's 11:20. The lounge closed an hour and a forty minutes ago."

James glanced at his watch and laughed, "Oh, so it is. Well G'night."

"Night."

Jania left the lounge, but instead of hitting the LL button, she pressed 59. She had stashed her supplies, disguised as a box of toilet paper, in the janitor's closet this morning before work.

Ding. "59 floor."

As quick survey of the area revealed the room to be empty.

_Wow, the security at ShinRa really stinks…_

Cautiously, Jania made her way to the janitor's closet. She had to make a swift detour, however, in order to avoid a pair of scientists. She waited a few seconds after they turned the corner and continued onward. She glanced at her watch.

_11:32. Alright, I've got 28 minutes before the night janitor comes. If he cleans the rooms in the same pattern as last night, he should be away from the lab area by about 12:45. Sweet! Plenty of time. _

Jania reached the closet, shuffled the boxes around and grabbed her box. Making as little noise as possible she hustled towards the stairs. It had been safer to stash her supplies on a lower floor, she didn't want to risk being detecting just planting her stuff!

Panting ever so slightly from the climb, Jania put down the box and took out a keycard, holding it next to the key slot.

_4…3…2…1_

Smiling, she slid the key in and opened the door, grabbing her box as she kept the door propped open with her foot. She let the door soundlessly shut.

_Perfect._

She stuck her tongue out at the camera pointed at the door, which was now "recording" her prepared tape.

She reached Hojo's lab. Smirking, she opened her cardboard accomplice and got to work.

* * *

Hojo grumbled as he got off the elevator. For some odd reason he had kept waking up last night. He had had to take a sleeping pill in order to get more than two consecutive hours of sleep. Hiding a yawn behind his hand, he flipped on the lights in his lab, and yelped as his eyes were assaulted by glowing brightness.

_What the #$!_

Blinking furiously, his eyes tried to make sense of what he was seeing and failed. In an attempt to alleviate his eyes from the brightness, he looked down, only to be rewarded with more brightness, coming from his…white labcoat?

This time he swore outloud. All the lights in his lab, his pristinely **white**-walled lab, had been replaced with blacklights! He staggered out of the lab, rubbing his eyes. He shoved passed someone, who responded with a startled _HEY_, and grabbed the phone in the nearest room and dialed the President.

"President ShinRa's office, Melodie speaking. How may I help you?"

"Get me the President, NOW!"


	3. Phase 2

Holy Crap! Sorry about taking so long to update. Been busy making cosplay outfits for myself and some friends. I'm going to my 1st con! (I'm going as Aerith/Aeris, however you want to spell it.)

Oh, and I've forgotten to put up a disclaimer to my other chapters so here it is: I don't own any of the FF7 characters, Squareenix does. I do, however, own Jania.

* * *

Chapter 3 

A small crowd had gathered around Hojo's lab by the time President ShinRa arrived, flanked by two Turks. He took one look at the interior of the lab and began to laugh, surprising Hojo.

"Sir?"

The President looked at Hojo with a raised eyebrow.

"This is the emergency? Blacklights?"

Hojo had to take a deep breath to stop himself from saying certain words that might effect his department's future budget.

"The emergency is that someone broke into my lab last night!"

"Is anything missing?"

"What? Ah…I, I don't know. I didn't check," Hojo grudgingly admitted.

The President nodded at the Turks, who began to inspect the room. Just then Tseng and Reno stepped out of the elevator.

"What's the situation, Sir?" asked Tseng, glancing toward the lab entrance.

"What the…"exclaimed Reno. "That's awesome!"

All three men turned to stare at Reno. Both the President and Tseng were amused, but only the former showed it.

Hojo was far from amused.

"I suppose a simpleton like you would think so," he spat.

Reno simply shrugged and walked into the room to help with the investigation, Tseng followed him. Both glad to get away from the snarling scientist

* * *

Thirty minutes later… 

"What do you mean a prank!!"

"Sir," Tseng politely began, "We've thoroughly searched your lab and found nothing out of the ordinary, besides the light bulbs being replaced. No damage, no fingerprints, no misplaced or missing files…nothing."

"Exactly! Whoever did this left **no** trace of being there. Would a mere **prankster** be intelligent enough go to such lengths?!"

"…a good one, yes."

Hojo was about to retort, but the President cut him off with a raised hand. "While we could sit and argue this all day," he said in a way that made it obvious that that wouldn't happening, "the fact still stands that as far as we can tell, nothing has been compromised or lost. I'll have the Turks review the security camera footage and post a guard outside the door at night. You will be informed if anything is found."

Though Hojo was not one for manners and other "social niceties", he was intelligent enough to know when a conversation was over. He huffily left the President's office, much to the relief of the two men still inside.

"Well, what do you think about the whole situation, Tseng?"

"As I said to Professor Hojo, nothing was lost or taken. For someone to go to all the effort and risk of being caught and leave empty-handed does not make sense. Therefore a prank is the most logical explanation."

"Any suspects?"

"Whoever was behind this had extensive knowledge of the lab's layout, seeing as they knew exactly what type of lightbulbs to use. They even had a blacklight for the small light above Hojo's desk. Therefore, it is more then likely that the culprit or culprits work in the lab. But, to track the actions of all those who go in and out of that lab would be quite the task. We could perhaps increase the security measures for all lab personal if you wish, Sir, to prevent something like this from happening again, but tracking down this prankster will be a …difficult job."

President ShinRa shook his head, "That's not necessary. A guard outside should be fine. Besides, anyone who is brave enough to prank Hojo has my admiration."

Tseng quirked his eyebrow at this, but didn't pursue the matter. He, being the head of the Turks, definitely knew that what the President wanted, he got. If he didn't want the Turks to go on a long goose-chase, then they wouldn't. Not that Tseng was heartbroken over this.

"Well, then. If that is settled, I have some paperwork to return to. If you'll excuse me…" to which Tseng simply received a approving nod.

* * *

The next day came and went with no further incident to Hojo's lab. And nothing the day after that. After a week, people had returned to their previous topics of gossip, and the question about the identity of the "blacklight fiend" became less pondered. By the time three weeks had passed, the incident was largely forgotten by the majority of the employees at ShinRa Inc. However, on occasion, a lab assistant would look up at the lights and snicker softly before returning to what he or she was doing.

Whomever had pulled off the prank seemed to be content with their moment of glory, which was a relief to Tseng. He had more important things to attend to, such as tracking down AVALANCHE, than to continuously hunt for someone who seemed to know not to "play with fire", as the cliché goes.

Little did Tseng know that Jania was actually quite fond of fire, something her parents discovered when they found her playing with a flamethrower at the age of 8, but that's an entirely different story.

Now, what was Jania doing in the three weeks that passed? Basically, her job. One of the other waiters had quit suddenly, leaving the lounge short-handed so guess who had hours added onto their schedule. Stupid cooperate offices…. Anywho this had worked out for the best. The original plan was to wait roughly a month before phase two, giving time for security to become lax…and time for Jania to come up with prank #2. Hey! Everything else after words was planned before hand, it was just phase 2, but don't tell…opps! Well,you'll see…(now back to Jania)

Jania was speed cleaning the tables after a busy Friday. Quickly wiping the last few tables, she flung her rag into the sink. "Alright, I'm outta here! See ya, James."

"Hey, what's the rush all about?"

_The rush is getting home to scheme up another fun session for Hojo, but that's not something you need to know. _ "Oh, well…I've got…ah, plans tonight."

"Plans huh? Must be exciting since you usually take twice as long to clean up. Wait… I can't believe I didn't see it before…" James said seriously. "Plans tonight, and you've been acting different for the past few weeks, more chipper…"

Jania tensed visibly. _Oh, crap…_

"…you have a boyfriend don't ya?" asked James, looking mightily pleased with himself.

Jania stared at James, open-mouthed for moment, before shaking her head, as if she could clear her confusion that way.

"Awh, well don't let me hold you up, now scoot! You don't wanna be late." And with that James, well, scooted Jania out the door before she could say a word otherwise.

_Boyfriend? Okaaay. Where did that come from? Sheesh, here I thought I was found out…._

Yawning, Jania left the ShinRa building after a long elevator ride, just as a supply truck stopped in front of her. Its' not that this was a uncommon thing, seeing as the building was always getting some sort of delivery during odd hours of the day and night for one of it's many departments. Normally, one would think that deliveries would be made at the back, but for some reason, the ShinRa building only had one exit one the ground floor.

_Must be a security thing._

The only other exit was from the President's helicopter housed on the roof.

_Although, I suppose someone could jump out the window. Eeehch. That's a tad-bit gruesome thought there…_

Jania was shaken from her contemplation session as the delivery men began unloading boxes with huge logos on the side proclaiming "Baldman's wax" to be the number one floor wax money could buy.

_Ah, that's right. The biannual level-by-level floor waxing fiesta. _The only reason Jania had felt to remember this tad bit of info was because she was getting next Weds off since the lounge would be closed for its turn.

_Wait…floor wax? Ohhh…ho…ho…hhoh. _

It was a good thing the only ones around were Jania and the delivery men, who were currently preoccupied, because the look on Jania's face was devious to the point where people either demand to know what your up to, or began to slowly back away as they give you funny looks.

* * *

Sorry about any blaringly obvious typos, I just wanted to get this posted (finally) asap. Hope you like it. Reviews are much appreciated! 


	4. Baldman's wax

After long last, I return! For those of you following this, I applaud your patience and greatly appreciated it. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 4

Jania looked at her watch for what must have been the 30th time in the last hour, and sighed. Though she was trying hard not to show it, she was excited and full of anticipation for tonight's…antics. She made sure to keep the watch checking to a minimum whenever James was in the immediate vicinity. Though she was grateful James had misinterpreted her enthusiasm, she really didn't want to encourage him. That "knowing" smile of his was starting to get annoying. She stole another downward glance.

_Ugh…great. Only twenty-three more minutes to go. That's much better than twenty-__**four.**_

She stiffened as a soft chuckle interrupted her brooding. Turning briskly around, she looked at James hoping her face was pulling off a better puzzled expression than she felt it was. Apparently not, since his smile had increased its annoying effect exponentially.

"Anxious?" He asked in what was meant to be an off-handed way.

"I have **no** idea what you're talking about."

"Suuurrreee. You've just had your eyes glued to your watch every three seconds because you have a totally uneventfully evening planned, with, of course, no one in particular." He winked.

For the first time that day, Jania's thoughts weren't dwelling on tonight. Her concentration was being fully diverted to not hitting James square in the mouth. Usually, friendly teasing wasn't something that bothered Jania so much. Most of the time she was the first one to laugh. Those who teased her to be rude or hurtful more often then not were met by a surprise not to long after. While James's teasing was definitely under the friendly category, something about it just irritated her.

"Tell ya what, why don't you go ahead and take off. I can handle the rest."

Instantly Jania's mood brightened, "Seriously? Thanks James!" She bounded out the door only to stop at the end of the hall in horror as James's last statement registered in her brain. "Keep it Pg13 kiddo." With mouth agape and cheeks flushed, she realized her enthusiasm had only served to confirm James's belief. She had to stop herself from turning around and setting him straight.

_Well, it is a good alibi. _

But she blushed non-the-less.Boys in that type of context was just something Jania had not given much thought. She was having too much fun with her job to think about a serious relationship.

A bit dazed, she was surprised to find herself outside of the janitorial closet where she had once again stashed her supplies. For the last couple of days, Jania had gone to each of the janitorial closets scattered throughout the ShinRa building and taken two bottles of wax from each. She had once again stashed them in the closet on floor 59. As luck would have it, the janitor who closet she was currently claiming didn't seem all that bright. She had seen him one day failing miserably at trying to get his hand out of a jar of pickles simply because he wouldn't stop making a fist.

With her focus back on her task, Jania grabbed the bottles and quickly crammed them into the large duffle bag she had hidden behind a shelf. She slung the bag over her shoulder awkwardly and eyed her last piece of equipment. The Buffer 3500 glimmered in even the dull light of the overhead bulb. Jania knew absolutely nothing about buffers, but Mark had assured her that this, "kitten will purr so quietly and run so smoothly that you'll never want to use another buffer in your life." When she would need a buffer again, Jania did not know, but in her eight years of being in the organization she had learned three things. One: Always expect the unexpected from her boss. Two: Don't mess with Victoria's chocolate stash. And Three: Never question Mark about anything mechanical.

She slung her bag onto the buffer and wheeled her way to the elevator. There was no way in Bahamut's name that she was lugging that thing up the stairs. Fortunately the elevator camera was currently being blocked by a large sticky piece of recently chewed gum, that knowing maintenance, wouldn't be cleaned off for about a week, or until the Turks found it.

With a ping she was off to wreak her mayhem. But first there was one more obstacle in her path that needed to be taken care of. She reached into her bag and pulled out a radio which had property of ShinRa neatly pasted on the side. She turned the knob to channel 24, cleared her throat and in her manliest voice said, "For those on the night shift, there's doughnuts and coffee on the 59th floor. She only had to wait for a minute before the guard, who was of a distinctly round shape, appeared and entered the elevator she had just left. Seeing as she had bought two dozen doughnuts of assorted flavors, she wasn't worried about being disturbed any time soon.

Hojo's lab was sadly back to normal. Jania thought the blacklights had made the place more…festive. Oh well. She plunked her bag on the nearest table and armed herself with 2 bottles of the finest wax Shinra could buy. She enthusiastically began to squirt the wax in the farthest corner; after all she wouldn't want to box herself in. After repeating this process with 8 other bottles, Jania's hands were aching. The buffer's vibrating wasn't helping either.

_This won't do! I'm barely a fourth of the way done!_

Time was beginning to be an issue as well.

_What to do, what to do? Oh duh! _

Without further adieu, Jania twisted off the lids to the rest of the bottles and poured the wax on the floor. Not too much later, Jania unplugged the buffer from the wall and surveyed her work. The floor was nice and smooth, and looked remarkable normal when the lights were off. With a nod, Jania left with a bag full of empty bottles dragging the buffer 3500 behind her.

* * *

It was once again morning at the jolly old ShinRa building. Hojo shuffled along, in his trademark manner. He was busy pouring over his latest test results, so he didn't notice the slight sheen of the floor of his lab when he flicked on the lights. However, his attention was quickly diverted from his data when his right foot suddenly shot forward. It doesn't take a scientist of Hojo's caliber to figure out what happens when one foot moves in a forward motion and the other stay stationary. Until this moment, Hojo never knew he could do the splits. By the feel of it, several tensions and muscles had been stretched, torn, and quite possibly snapped to accomplish such a feat. It was at this time that the building reverberated with one of the highest pitched noises to have ever come out of a man's mouth. Naturally, such a noise attracted the guard, who was dutifully finishing off the last of the coconut frosting donuts. He ran in and like a bowling ball headed for pins at the end of the alley; he slid into the far table. A table, which was littered with caustic chemicals in glass beakers. (At this time I would like to note that the guard was not permanently injured. He was quickly treated and the plastic surgery went well! In fact, while they were working on him, the doctors went ahead and removed his extra girth and he is now in the best shape of his life!)

Hojo, on the other hand, was not having such an optimistic experience. Once he ran out of breath, he fell onto his side into the only partially dry wax. When the medics placed him on a stretcher, they noticed that the floor now held a profile imprint of Hojo's head, greasy-ponytail included. The doctors were able to repair the damage, but Hojo was bed-ridden for a week. The lab was certainly a cheerier place, but nothing really got done. If there is one thing good about Hojo (yes, it does exist), it's that fact that he gets things done. What he completes may be of extreme questionable morality, but that's apparently irrelevant in the eyes of his employer.

With Hojo gone on recovery time, things where rather quite. The Turk's placed a competent guard outside of the lab, leaving Jania with a more challenging playing field.

(Until next time!)

More about this organization will be riddled throughout, so keep an eye out! I certainly have been having fun with Cap10 coming up with their purpose. Bwahh hah ha.


	5. Dance of the Monkeys

The first couple of weeks of Hojo's return was something that no one, and I mean no one, expected. First of all, while Hojo was in the hospital, an obsessive-compulsive nurse had taken the liberty of washing Hojo's hair while he was immobile. Of course, she was banned from stepping foot in the intensive care unit for a week afterwards for fear of contamination, but she felt she had done her part in making the world a better, not to mention a cleaner, place.

Shinra Inc. had only lost two employees to fainting spells over Hojo's clean hair when he returned. The other seven incidences were directly related to the change in Hojo's **personality**. As far as anyone could tell, the doctor in charge of Hojo's medication must have somehow slipped the scientist some sort of anti-madman drug, for the Professor had never been more pleasant to be around. One secretary passed out after Hojo commented on what a good job she had done handling his paperwork while he was gone. Two interns, and three lab assistants were lost by similar comments of praise. The last casualty was a 2nd class solider who passed out not from the mako treatment he was receiving, but from Hojo's attempt to comfort him. Tseng himself felt a little pale, and was forced to sit by Rude, when Hojo smiled and greeted the Turks as he walked past on his way to his lab. In truth, Rude himself was feeling a bit faint and was glad to be able to sit down as well.

Things soon went back to normal, because Hojo noticed that his life had taken an abnormal turn and decided to ditch his medication. He soon returned to his mad scientist self.

During his absence, Jania decided to check the competency of the new guard, which was remarkably high for a guard at Shinra. During one of her breaks, she had brought him a sandwich and drink (great sleeping powder delivery method) to "thank him for his hard work," which he had in turn thanked her for, but politely refused since he was on duty.

With more observation, she was frustrated to see that he was annoyingly one of those "the rules are my life," kind of guys.

Apparently, Tseng wasn't wanting to deal with a ranting Hojo when he got out of the hospital. He had placed what seemed to be the only man in the ShinRa guard force that actually cared about his job, in front of Hojo's lab.

_Looks like door is not longer an option. Alright, bring it on guard man! Bring it on._

Jania waited a few days after Hojo had returned to being the Hojo we all know and (enter level of personal loathing/confusion/hate/caring! here) before she decided Phase 3 was ready for implementation. The work-around for the guard had arrived, complements once again, of Mark. He had designed a lovely little machine, which looked like a dull black box on wheels. All she had to do was download Phase 3 into its hard drive and use the remote to direct it to Hojo's computer, where she could upload her fun once she could get Mark's toy to Hojo's computer.

Jania had only a brief window of time since Hojo was known for only taking a half hour lunch break, at random times of the day. For a spindly old geezer, the man was always working. Jania did not know or care to know how he did it for that would begin to put her into the "too much information" category. If it didn't help her scheming, then it wasn't important, especially when it came to Hojo's personal life.

After a week and a half of failed attempts to catch Hojo on his lunch break, Jania finally had a lucky break. Hojo finally decided to take his lunch at a reasonable time, such 12:00PM sharp instead of 2 minutes before the beginning of Jania's 6:00PM evening shift. The reason behind his lunchtime being normal was due ShinRa's lunch menu for the day. Jania later learned that no one got between Hojo and the Lima Bean casserole that was the special every 3rd Thursday in the cafeteria on the 24th floor. Hojo had been first in line for that casserole for 8 years straight ever since the cook had accidentally flash-burned the casserole when the new ovens were installed. Out of fear of mutation, the cook had made sure the first casserole was always just the way Hojo liked: Crispy on the outside, soggy on the inside. She would then have to set it aside until Hojo came for seconds, as no one else would touch the stuff.

As soon as Hojo locked his office's door, and shuffled quickly out of his lab, Jania turned on Mark's latest toy. It turned out to have several useful attachments, such as: a screwdriver, pliers, scissors, a 2 inch knife, a plug for a USB drive for direct download, and of course a camera so she could see where the robot was going. The one attachment that Jania thought was redundant was the Swiss Army Knife. The machine already had a most of the tools the Swiss Army Knife did, so why install it? She had called Mark for an explanation and he informed her that a Swiss Army Knife can your best friend in a bind. He then began regaling stories from his childhood about all the times his Swiss Army Knife had come in handy. As soon as she could get a word in, an hour later, Jania hung up the phone with a quick, "Gotcha,haveagoodevening."

Turning on the robot with the remote, she booted up her laptop. Seeing as she had already had over a week to work with the remote, she was able to quickly maneuver the robot's screwdriver and open the ventilation shaft's cover. With dexterity that comes from playing many video games (too many according to her parents) Jania had the robot quickly plugged into the Hojo's computer's USB port and started the upload. As she waited, she munched on the cookies that the janitor had so kindly left her. Fortunately for Jania, the janitor of level 59th was superstitious. She had been able to continue to use his closet because instead of becoming suspicious, the janitor had decided that his closet was haunted. In order to appease the ghost of closet 59th, he had built a little shrine behind the toilet paper. Due to a message (written in foaming cleaning spray on the floor) he was convinced that in order to appease the "ghost" he should leave offerings of sugary goodness. Thus far it had worked as nothing else had appeared or disappeared from his closet.

Jania had to wait only a few minutes for the upload to be complete. No computer to this date had ever been able to stand up to Victoria's hacking skills. The only way the benevolent leader of there group could protect his computer from Victoria's wrath was if he hid it.

Now that the deed was done, Jania worked the robot back into the ventilation shaft, screwed back on the cover, and wheeled her toy of mischief through depths of the ventilation system. Once it she had it back, she stuffed it into her bag and was on her merry way.

One lima bean casserole later…

Hojo returned to his office well fed and ready to get back to his beloved science. First on his mental agenda was to finish his transcription of his dictation from his latest experiment. He logged back into his computer and was shocked when the screen went black. He bent down to look at the power button to see if he had lost power, but the dull red glow assured him his computer was indeed on. Frustrated, he click the mouse several times, each click getting more rapid and forceful. Cursing under his breath he pulled out his phone to release his frustration on the ShinRa techs when his eye was caught by movement on the computer screen. A joyful little monkey began swinging across the black space on green vines. He was shortly joined by another monkey. No, two monkeys…Three! Soon, at least 50 monkeys were swings all across the screen. Hojo cursed loudly this time and dialed the techs, his lima-bean high completely ruined.

"ShinRa IT Support, this is Kevan. How may I help you?"

"You can help me by getting your *%$ up to my office and getting these monkeys off my screen!"

"Monkeys sir? I'm sorry, but our office doesn't handle monkeys… we only work with technology. I recommend…"

"No, you imbecile! The monkeys are on my computer screen! They are swinging around and when I click nothing happens…Now they are dancing! Get someone up here right now."

"Yes sir. We will be right up to work on the getting dancing monkeys off your computer screen, sir!" *Click*

Ten minutes later, Kevan appeared and to his amazement, Hojo was not exaggerating. Hojo's screen was filled with monkeys prancing about to the Electric Chocobo. Without taking his eyes of the bizarre scene in front of him, Kevan removed his cell phone from his belt and dialed his fellow techs. "Sky, get Nathan and get up here. You've got to come and see this."

Soon, three techs were huddled around Hojo's computer. Hojo was in the corner, having been pushed away from his desk to make room for the goggling morons. Several veins began to pulse on his forehead as he glared at the techs.

"Either do your jobs or GET OUT!"

With the wrath of Hojo descending on their heads, the techs began getting to work.

First they tried the all time favorite "Ctrl" "Alt" Delete". The monkeys disappeared, only to be replaced by a Menu listing.

"May I take your order?" garbled out of the speakers in a female voice.

"What the %$&*" exclaimed Kevan.

After several attempts to enter in system commands all the techs had managed to do was order two double-cheese burgers, a large milkshake, three orders of medium curly fries, and a super-sized soft drink.

Saying that Hojo was less than pleased was such an understatement that it was like calling the Midgar Zolom a cute, little, garden snake.

"We're going to need to take this computer in to be repaired," stated Nathan. With Sky quickly contributing that they would have a replacement computer up ASAP.

With that they were quickly out of the room with Hojo's computer, cords trailing behind.

Thus ended another miserable day in the life of Professor Hojo.


End file.
